romancedawn | 𝐈𝐂 𝐈𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐱 🦚 𝙶𝚘𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚗 𝙿𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚘𝚌𝚔

You disappear on me, but I can't disappear on you. You get possessive about me, but I can't get possessive about you. I can't want to protect you, I can't care about what you do, I can't be apprehensive about a stranger getting close to you.

Maybe before I say anything, I should ask you what other stupid, unfair rules you've made up for me but not you, so I don't fuck this up worse.

when did i ever say you can't do those things?

What was calling the first time I met him really fucking weird, and then comparing it to me and Sanji? A harmless observation?

it wasn't me telling you what you could or couldn't do.

"talk to you. huh. like how you talked to me instead of disappearing for two days after that weird lunch, right?"

And what about this part? What's that telling me?

I guess if you fucking told me directly what I can and can't do, you would have to look too hard for something to hold against me.

that was me saying, "why are you scolding me for something that you also do?"

stop it. we both know you'd look at me like i was crazy if i ever tried to tell you what you can and can't do.

and i'm not LOOKING for things to hold against you. i don't want to do that.

And we're skipping over that you saying that, was you scolding me for scolding you for something you also do?

Maybe, but at least I'd know. At least it's better than this, where now you don't even have to look that hard for reasons to resent me because it's like stabbing fish in a barrel.

i haven't scolded you for anything.

no, it's not better than this. if i tried to control what you do, we'd just have a different set of problems.

I wasn't trying to scold you for anything. I came here to figure out how to fix this.

Compared to knowing you hold so much against me, I still think it's better.

you have any ideas yet?

hey. i love you. i don't hold so much against you.

Figure out what we both want, and make a plan from there.

Whatever you say.

okay.

This isn't like back home, where I have a card left to play that will make it so you don't hold everything against me.

[ All of this hurts, but drawing that comparison... ]

I'm sorry Zoro.

i'm not holding everything against you.

and i'm sorry, too.

What would make you happy right now?

i don't know.

you asked me to say if i don't like you fucking other people, i said it.
you wanted to know what bugged me, now you know.

tell me what difference it's going to make.

Then we close things off.

Are you going to stop fucking all your other people too or is this going to be yet another, bad for Nami but not for Zoro thing that I've unknowingly lost my rights to react to or care about?

Do I get to keep watching you bid more chips than you bid on me around for a date with another guy because I somehow deserve it after failing to read your mind half a year ago, but you for sure in no way resent me?

what exactly does being closed off mean?

whatever we decide, it's going to be the same for the both of us, obviously!

what are you even saying now... i never said or thought that you couldn't react or care about anything.

what are you talking about, i'm not trying to bid for a date with another guy?

( he didn't read more than five words about this event, okay! )

i don't resent you. i resent this whole situation. i hate that i fell in love with you here, where i have to share you with everyone else. i hate caring so much. sometimes i wish i could stop caring. sometimes i wish i didn't feel anything anymore. some days i don't, but it never lasts. you come find me and i just feel so much about you all over again, i can't help it. and it just keeps cycling like that over and over again.

It means we figure out rules as far as being with other people goes, and set down limits and boundaries we agree to.

You don't have to say it to make it clear. You call me weird for acting apprehensive about meeting him, you say my reasoning is bullshit, but you're allowed to be pissed off about other people, it's like you have standards for you and standards for me but I don't know what they are, so I'm doomed from the start to fail you.

Wait… what do you think this dumb auction is for? You bid ten more chips on a date with someone else.

Then we figure out how to get out of that cycle. I hate it too. I don't want this. You make me so happy, you make me sick I love you so much. I promised you things, and parts of me I wouldn't promise anyone else, and I don't know if you even believe me anymore. I can live with the people I love thinking the worst about me, but I don't want to, and I don't want to with you.

okay. what rules do you want? and what about sanji?

i didn't call you weird for being apprehensive. when i said the lunch was weird, i meant the...aura. the feeling? it felt off. like something was wrong.

what i was calling bullshit was comparing stupid bids on random people to an actual relationship. i wanted you to look at things that were more comparable with each other.

i don't have any standards for you. i don't expect you to act a certain way. i just expect you to do whatever you want. so i don't really understand why you keep talking about separate standards for me and you.

i don't know what it's for. i thought maybe you got to boss someone around for a few days if you won them or something. also, why compare the numbers? i was bidding usually double of whatever the last bid was, or like 10 more if i was feeling cheap for some reason. everyone had a different starting bid...

which parts of you wouldn't you promise anyone else?
where do we even start with figuring this out?

[ That's...a lot. And all of it important. She's processing. ]

Let me just ask. Is choosing between you two going to be part of this?

The part where we find your village and have a family at the end, the parts we lit those lanterns about.

does "closed off" actually mean "closed off except for one other person"?

Closed off means whatever we want it to mean. Nobody but each other, nobody but each other and people we really care about and talk to each other about or whatever, nobody at all, whatever we say. I don't think there are rules other than the ones we make.

I'm not going to be at my place tonight. I'm not fucking anyone else. And I'm not ignoring you either. I'm still going to answer. I just need to not be here.

i asked you once what it means to be together here, and you said it's the same as being together anywhere else. but it's not. and i really wish i pushed for better answers in that conversation, because maybe we wouldn't be here now.

being with someone has always meant they're the only one to me. they're the only one you love, the only one you fuck, the only one you plan a future with. i know i didn't tell you that before. i knew it wasn't the same for you, so i didn't bother. i should have, but i thought i could handle it. i guess i'm not handling it well. i'm sorry.

i'm not asking you to pick between me and the cook. it's really confusing, but i got used to him being a part of us here. i'm still confused about how that's going to work when we all get out of here, though. because those things we lit lanterns about? i'm not sure those involve three people. so what exactly do you imagine happens when we get back home?

you mean you need to not be around me? don't worry, i won't be there. you don't have to leave your own place.

I wish you had too. I thought I was spending this time loving you not hurting you. But I was wrong.

I mean I'm sad and everything reminds me of you, or smells like you, or looks like you, and I want a friend. I don't expect you to be around me.

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